Even if you, as a woman, have zero interest in football, I’m sure it has not escaped your attention that something in the air has changed: Men are wearing, for better or worse, more colorful clothing (Denver orange, Jaguar blue, Pittsburgh yellow). Bars are louder and busier than normal on the weekends and especially on Mondays, and every man in the country seems to know each other. At least you have to assume that by the way they keep walking up to apparent strangers and instantly engage in seemingly intense, deep and passionate conversations.
These are just some of the many wonders of football season. And for ladies who don’t like football, if you learn a few things about it, you’ll not only stop hating it, but might actually come to love it. I’m not saying anything you read below will make you like the sport, but it will make you realize how it can benefit you.
Let’s start with single ladies. While y’all might view football season as a terrible time of year where men ignore you for large portions of the weekend and where the sight of a TV hanging in a bar or restaurant spells the end of any chance of having a conversation with a guy, you’d be wrong. Football season is the perfect time of year to meet men because it makes it sooooo easy.
Is there a guy you keep seeing out but have been too scared to talk to? Football season is the time to make your move! Simply go up to any man and say, “The Cowboys are the worst! Am I right?” Or, “Romo, what a choke artist.” Not only will you will be factually correct, but a solid 94.6% of men will strongly agree (this stat might be made up) and will instantly begin talking to you with an openness and candor you’ve likely never experienced. While the remaining 5.4% of men out there might take offense because they are Cowboys’ fans, being a Cowboys’ fan requires being an idiot beyond compare, so these lines also serve as an excellent screening process.
I can’t deny that actually having some interest in football is a huge help for a single lady, as well as a huge turn on. A girl who likes football is the equivalent of a straight guy who enjoys cooking, cleaning, and watching True Blood, which is to say, one huge step closer to perfect than most people. But an interest in football is easy enough to fake and only requires asking the right questions and being willing to listening long enough to transition the conversation into something non-sports related. The right questions are “What’s the score?” “Who’s your favorite team?” and “Who do think will go to the Super Bowl?” This is pretty much what guys say to guys they don’t know at the bar and it often results in several hours of conversation, many rounds of beer and, in some cases, a new friend. The way to transition out of football talk is to follow up said questions with questions about why they like the team they do. Is it because they’re from the same place as the team? Did their dad encourage them to become a fan of that team? And boom! Just like that, you’re finding out where a guy is from and what his family life was like as a child.
Alternatively, you can also allow a guy to explain sports to you if you’re willing to overlook the condescending way he’s likely to do it. I don’t know if it’s some kind of machismo thing or what, but most guys do like explaining sports to a girl they’re interested in. We also get a thrill out of converting a girl into a fan of our favorite team. This is likely because one of the single sexiest looks on the planet is a girl wearing our favorite team’s football jersey. In fact, I’m pretty sure I would get more satisfaction out of teaching a girl about football and turning her into a 49ers’ fan than a Mormon would get out of rehabbing a crackhead and turning her into a Sunday school teacher. (I also think my idea of conversion would do more to make the world a better place.)
But don’t worry women in a serious relationships, football season is good for you, too. One of the top complaints women have about men is that they aren’t open about their feelings. Well, that goes away come opening day. Men wear their hearts on their sleeves when it comes to sports. It’s the one time in Western culture where we can be fully emotional. We can love without limits, hate with a fiery passion and care deeply and irrationally without worrying about how it looks. So if you look at sports from that perspective – a cathartic experience – you should be encouraging your significant other to watch more sports and to tap ever deeper into his emotional cavern. It’s a healthy emotional expression that results in a more relaxed, even tempered and better balanced man. That’s assuming he’s not a Redskins fan, in which case the rage and frustration that comes with watching them suck every year might actually kill him.
There is also the distraction factor that comes with football season. While some women seem to resent football merely for the fact that their partner isn’t paying them attention while a game is on, they’re missing the point: Your Partner Isn’t Paying You Any Attention While The Game Is On! You can do whatever you want. I know many of my guy friends who are married would love to have something that took up all their wives’ attention for 3-20 hours every weekend. They would treat it like a mini-vacation and leave the house or go to a part of the house where they could be alone and make the most of it (a.k.a take a nap or drink some beers). If you have kids, you can pawn them off on your husband since he’s just sitting at home in front of the TV while you go to a garden expo or makeup demonstration, or whatever it is women do for fun.
The last thing I’ll say about Football season is more of a warning. Fantasy Football (FF) is a very serious business. This is when men gather in basements, bars and backyards in small groups known as ‘leagues’ and draft real NFL players to make their own “fantasy” team that earns points based on how their selected players perform each week in real life. We then proceed to sit on our computers and obsess over our collection of players for the next 10-13 weeks while deciding who to start in a way that wouldn’t be justified even if that team were made up of our own children, let alone a bunch of professional athletes we’ve never met and whose performances we have no control over. One dirty little secret of FF is that it’s actually pretty easy (ESPN pretty much tells us who to start each week), and I say this as someone who has won a league championship and whose teams are annually a top performers in both the leagues I play in. (Technically, I’ve won two championships, but one of the leagues I’m in is full of a bunch of cheating bastards who conspire against me). However, the fact that it’s easy and lots of fun by no means should encourage you to try to join a league with your man or, god forbid, to try to meet or get to know a guy better by joining one. This is because FF is full of some of the most foul-mouthed, crude, offensive, hateful, rude, merciless and cruel trash talking you have ever seen in your life. You would never be able to look at any man the same way if you knew the kind of stuff he said on his FF league’s message board. Personally, I keep it clean, respectful and polite at all times. Other men, however….. I would re-post of a few exerts from my leagues, but I’m pretty sure it would cause me to be placed on a watch list of some kind.
But for an example of what I’m talking about, check out this clip from The League (NSFW).
Honestly, in my FF league with my law school buddies, I have seen much, much worse.
So there you have it ladies. Even if you don’t like football in the slightest, there are a lot of ways it can make your life better. Now go out there and get yourself a 9ers jersey and meet me at the bar.