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What’s Your Pick-up Artist Spirit Animal?

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During my travels I’ve learned to sometimes just sit back and watch whats going on around me. As much as I’ve done this while sitting in a cafe or some other public place, I’ve also done it a lot in bars and clubs. I love trying to figure out the stories playing out in front of me as drunk people engage in the timeless and often awkward art of flirting. While doing this, I’ve noticed that there are some very common methods men use around the world to try to pick up on ladies. I’ll explain each one in terms of the animal I think best represents the style.

The Ostrich

This guy sticks his head in the ground when it comes to women and focuses on having a good time. He’s happy-go-lucky and having a blast. But, by the end of the night when he pulls his head out of the sand to go home, usually because the club is closing, he’ll find himself standing next to a beautiful girl. He doesn’t really know how it happened, but he doesn’t really care either.

The Hyena

The Ostrich is not to be confused with the hyena. While both might be laughing it up and the life of the party, only the Ostrich is doing so free of ulterior motives. Hyenas go out in groups and know a great way to get girls is to just go out and look like you’re having fun. However, picking up women is a big part of the fun for them. They will be loud and likely annoying to many people, but at the end of the day, having fun, even if it’s loud and obnoxious fun, is a good way to get some attention from the ladies.

The Lion

This guy walks around the bar like he owns the place – probably because he does. Lions are guys who have an unfair advantage and aren’t afraid to use it to full effect. Whether it’s having lots of money or lots of access, they know how to use their swag, and they know how to find the girls who respond to such things, which is most. While lions run the risk of getting used by girls for whatever it is they have to offer, they’re willing to take that chance.

The Hawk

This guy sits back from the crowed but watches like a, you guessed it, hawk. He doesn’t hit on a lot of girls in the course of the night. Hell, he might not hit on any. He’s exact and will wait until he sees exactly what he wants before he swoops into the crowed to make a focused and strong move on a lady.

The Spider

The spider stays put and lets the ladies come to him. He does this by posting up in a high traffic area, usually against the bar, and waits for women to enter his zone. He’ll make a joke or a comment about something that she ordered and that will turn into a quick conversation while she waits for her drink. She might head back out to the dance floor, but if the spider played his cards right, she’ll either take him with her or at least be back the next time she needs to top off.

The Wolf

When this guys out with his friends, he’s aggressive and unafraid to talk to anyone because he has his boyz with him to help him laugh off any rejection. However, if this guy is on his own, ‘a wolf-pack-of-one’ if you will, he’ll feel lost and insecure.

The Peacock

This guy is flamboyant and eccentric in his fashion and behavior: He will be seen. He will be charming. He might be playing a small instrument of some kind. This might not be how he dresses and acts in everyday life, but it’s how he’s dressed and acting tonight and all the attention is making him more and more confident (not arrogant, just confident).

The Turtle

Slow and steady wins the race. He’s not the most aggressive flirter out there. Nothing about him is over the top and he might not even use the dance floor as a way of turning up the heat with a girl. Typically his play is to isolate a girl and keep her attention with an enjoyable one-on-one conversation full of laughs. The turtle isn’t one to close the deal early, but usually, by time the bar is about the close, he finds himself in a favorable circumstance.

The Snake

You don’t know when and you don’t know how, but a few minutes ago this guy popped up out of nowhere and is now leaving with the girl you’ve had your eye on all night. You’re 90% sure they hadn’t talked at any point earlier in the night, and now here he is, and there they go. No further details are available at this time as to what it is the snake actually says or does.

The Song Bird

This guy is from a different country and and his accent is doing all the work. Whether he’s laying it on thick, faking it (I once knew a guy in Korea who faked having an Aussie accent for two years. I delighted in calling his punk ass out every chance I got.) or just talking like he always does, it’s working. The girl loves the sound of his voice and finds him at least somewhat attractive and that’s sometimes all it takes. (Sidebar: the most attractive English speaking accent in the world is….French.)

The Honey Badger

“Honey Badger don’t care. Honey badger don’t give a shit.” He’s a numbers man, and he’ll take rejection after rejection until he finds a girl receptive to his advances. “Honey badger takes what he wants,” or at least he’ll try to. Hell, he’ll hit on a girl in front of her boyfriend. He might look like a tool for most of the night, but the odds are in his favor since he’ll literally hit on any and every girl in the bar.

The Leech

Obviously no one is going to own up to being this guy, but there are lots of them out there. They talk to a girl and then won’t leave her side for the rest of the night. Sometimes this is welcomed, but more often than not it’s annoying for the girl. Learn to tell the difference, guys.

The Buzzard

Again, no one will admit to being a buzzard as this is about the most despicable kind of guy I’ve encountered. I’ll also say some cultures seem to have a lot more of them than others. These are the guys who wait around a bar until they find a girl who is on her last leg (from drinking). That’s when they go in. To make things even worse, they very often don’t drink themselves which means they know full well the condition the girl is in they are “hitting on.” If you wait to talk to a girl until after she’s clearly drunk, you’re a buzzard and should be ashamed of yourself. Grow some balls and talk to a girl before she’s plastered.

The Donkey aka the Ass(hole)

We all know about this kind of guy. He’s purposely antagonistic, rude and seemingly doesn’t give a shit, and it works. I’ll leave it up to women to explain why that is.

SideBar: I know all that Honey Badger talk makes you want to see the video again, so here you go.

Brian M. Williams
Brian is the author of the recently published travel memoir "Stranger in a Stranger Land: My Six Years in Korea." (Click this profile for more information.) He's also a law school grad with Southern charm and Virginia roots. He recently returned to America after nearly seven years traveling and working abroad. He loves dive bars, international travel and foreign accents. He's particularly good at small talk and was the first person to notice there's no "I" in "team."

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