Thanksgiving dinners are all about friends and family, but sometimes… your friends and family, they suck, and you can’t help but think that if they weren’t around, the turkey would taste so much better. Today we’re going to take a look at some people whose families’ are probably going to be knowing that feeling come this Thanksgiving. Our hearts go out to you…
#5. Rob Ford
A fall from grace is always fun to watch. A Canadian fall from grace? Doubly so. The international community’s favorite mayor, Toronto’s own Rob Ford, has been seen on a few videos doing things no sane elected official should be doing like getting piss drunk and saying he’ll kill people and SMOKING CRACK COCAINE. I guess he’s only human, but imagine having to explain why Uncle Ford keeps leaving to go to the bathroom while sharing some turkey with your nieces, nephews and baby cousins? How many ways can you spell AWKWARD? Then again, if your house is in Toronto, it may still fly… Polls are in and Uncle Rob’s approval rating? Higher than ever.
#4. Shawty Lo
Oh man, I hope you guys know who Shawty Lo is, just in case he decides to bring himself and All His Babies’ Mamas to yo house this upcoming holiday. If you don’t know who Shawty is, he’s a rapper who is all signed up to kick off a new Oxygen network reality show… about having 11 kids with 10 women. E’creia (“The First Lady”), Angela aka “Chocolate” (the “Fighter Baby Mama”), Amanda (“The Jealous Baby Mama “), Sujuan (“Wanna Be-Bougie Baby Mama”), Tamara (“No Drama Baby Mama”), Serena (“The Shady Baby Mama”) and Leiana aka “Pepples” (“The Baby Mama From Hell”), plus Shawty’s 19-year-old girlfriend Ashlin (“The Future Baby Mama”). Talk about awkward.
#3. Miley Cyrus
By now you’ve all seen this name about 10 million times. My only thought here is… if she’s willing to do what she does sober on national TV, you definitely don’t want to have this creature at your house on turkey day. Unless of course you have a dry Thanksgiving which is probably an oxymoron in and of itself, but I can’t be 100% sure. Let’s also keep in mind that this troubled child star’s ass might make an unwelcome appearance and we would like to keep all this delicious food down.
#2. Kim Kardashian & Kanye West
These douchebags… Where do I begin. Let’s sweep Kimye’s crazy collective and often comedic ego aside for a second… Nope, can’t be done. 2013 was a big year for the couple. Shit was real. In the midst of all that money and attention, they couldn’t even donate a few bucks to charity when entertaining offers for people to publish pictures of their new baby, and now they are shopping networks for televising their wedding to donate some of the proceeds to charity. What? If that split is anything like her current charity work, we could be looking at, well nothing being done.
#1. Kanye West
This guy. If, in 2013, you were called a jackass by the President of the United States, and compared yourself to Jesus, you know, the alleged Son of God and Savior of millions, please raise your hand. No one but Kanye should be raising their hand right now. In any case, talent aside, this guy is a train wreck waiting to… well actually, it’s happening right now. Ever since he stole the mic from Taylor Swift’s hands, he was a powder keg waiting to blow. I can just see it now, someone starts offering thanks for the food and Kanye butting in to add what everyone should really be thankful for: leather jogging pants. On the bright side, his use of confederate flags for his groupie gear? Priceless. Unfortunately, the Reverend Al Sharpton (is it weird that whenever I write his name, it just feels right writing “the Reverend Al Sharpton” as opposed to “Al Sharpton” or even “Rev. Al Sharpton”?), didn’t agree.
UPDATE: Sway is wishing right now that he didn’t try to have a real discussion with ‘Ye on any level.
Honorable Mention: Ted Cruz
This list wouldn’t be complete without our favorite bat-shit crazy conservative, Ted Cruz hopping on the bandwagon. Now, he didn’t make our Top 5 people you wouldn’t want at dinner list because, frankly, he would love being there, and we hate anything this guy loves. From busting out a 20+ hour speech about how horrid Obamacare is to saying senators are on the take from the likes of North Korea and other entities in the axis of evil, he’ll make your drunk-uncle’s ignorant ramblings seem like a well-researched college dissertation. Thanks for keeping CSPAN hilarious while at the same time sadly tragic, Ted!