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Screw Tom Brady and His Deflated Balls!

San Francisco 49ers vs. Seattle SeahawksAs any regular reader here might know, I’m a 49ers fan. Scratch that. I’m a HUGE 9ers fan. Last season, in a game full of bad calls, the Seattle Seahawks eked out a win against us in the NFC Championship game and went on to dismantal the Denver Broncos in Super Bow XLVIII. There is no doubt in my mind that had the 9ers gone to the Super Bowl instead of Seattle, it would have been the same result. Manning hadn’t faced a good defense that whole year and San Fran and Seattle had two of the very best ever.

If I sound bitter, it’s because I am. The 9ers imploded this season because of injuries and behind-the-scenes drama while Seattle, after starting out 3 and 3 was able to get back to championship form in the second half of the season and no righteous revenge was handed out. Instead Seattle is heading back to the Super Bowl. Literally the only thing that could have been worse than them going in my eyes would have been the Cowboys going. But let’s get real, that’ll never happen because apparently the only thing the Cowboys hate more than their division rivals is winning playoff games.

So where does this leave me? It’s simple really, the enemy of my enemy is my friend and while I am no fan of the Patriots, it was an easy decision to decide who I was going to be pulling for in the Super Bowl. While Brady, Gronk and I have had a few good seasons together in fantasy football over the years, that’s a regular season thing. I didn’t mind them killing it then, but come playoff time, I’ve enjoyed watching them blow it time and again. And I especially loved it that year the Pats went undefeated in the regular season only to lose in the Super Bowl. That was too funny. But now, with Seattle on the brink of repeating, I would rather have Brady join 49er legend Joe Montana, and get his 4th ring than for Seattle to win. That should tell you a lot about how much I hate Seattle.

iFast forward to the day after the NFC and AFC championship games, and all the talk of underinflated balls. It turned out that 11 of the 12 balls the Patriots had used just so happened to have less air in them than NFL rules allow. Why is this is a big deal? Because in a game of inches, an underinflatted ball is easier to catch, hold on to, and not fumble and this is doubly true on cold, rainy days like the night of the Pat’s game

While Brady and Bill Belichick, the Patriots’ coach, both claimed to have no knowledge of how this could have happened, the few things we know to be true cause some serious doubts about that: There is no way this was an accident. This just so happens to be the way Brady likes his balls. There is no way Brady could have not realized the balls were underinflated since he handled them every snap and the Patriots are known cheaters. Not too long ago the Patriots were caught filming other teams’ practices in order to figure out their play calls.

150123071125-01-tom-brady-0123-large-11Brady says he didn’t deflate the balls, and I’d be willing to bet he didn’t. He’s a well-paid athlete, and I doubt he does much with any of his gear and equipment outside of putting it on before a game. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t ask someone else to do it, and like I said earlier, there is no way in hell he didn’t know about it since he touched them each play.

Even more than this, I’m extremely pissed off by the way Brady, Belichick and the Pat’s owner, Robert Kraft, have reacted to all this, but I haven’t been surprised by it. They have been dismissive, condescending, arrogant, and, in the case of Kraft, assholish. Kraft has actually had the nerve to demand an apology from the NFL if they can’t definitively prove who deflated the balls. The idea that an apology is owed to anyone in the Pat’s piece of shit, cheating organization is just plain offensive to logic given the facts I’ve already mentioned.

That said, I’ll give them one anyway. I’m  sorry Brady, Belichick and Kraft. I’m sorry you didn’t get caught ahead of time. I’m sorry the NFL is too spineless to punish you the way you deserve, which is to be stripped of a chance to even play in the Super Bowl. I’m sorry moving forward the NFL will also show itself too weak to punish you in a meaningful way. I’m sorry that once again NFL rules will have to change because of something your team has done. I’m sorry your fans suck so bad that this clear act of cheating won’t cause any of them to not support you.

bradyingBut most of all, I’m sorry you have ruined the Super Bowl for me. You have now put me in a position where not only do I hope the Seahawks win, I hope they beat you so badly that your own mothers will be ashamed to have given birth to you. I hope they pound you into the ground so hard that you all consider retiring. I hope they run up the score so high that when people look up the word blowout this game is mentioned. I hope they destroy you in such a way that your cheater-loving fans will burn their jerseys out of embarrassment.  I hope the thrashing you receive is so brutal that no one has any doubt that it was delivered by a vengeful God as a form of punishment!

And I’ll hope all these things while still hating the Seahawks and the only joy I’ll be able to take in their victory will come from the idea that your loss will forever be used to prove the old adage that cheaters never win!

Brian M. Williams
Brian is the author of the recently published travel memoir "Stranger in a Stranger Land: My Six Years in Korea." (Click this profile for more information.) He's also a law school grad with Southern charm and Virginia roots. He recently returned to America after nearly seven years traveling and working abroad. He loves dive bars, international travel and foreign accents. He's particularly good at small talk and was the first person to notice there's no "I" in "team."

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