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Jack & Jill: White Christmas… Gross

Christmas_Party_1097125-600So I had a friend named Jack in high school who was an awesome kid. We met while on the football team, and aside from that, I had a few classes with him. We often shared stories of our drunken weekends to pass the time in art class  and one day he begins telling me about the Christmas break that had just passed.

This kid went on a vacation with his whole family. When I say whole family, I mean a group of over 25 people. We’re talking uncles, aunts, cousins, 2nd-cousins, brother’s in-laws etc (like I said, the WHOLE family). In any case, as is customary at these types of gatherings, he and all the kids got lumped together in a large room and left to their own devices while the adults were getting sloshed.

One of his cousins, Jill and her brother, let’s call him Max, snagged a couple bottles of wine from one of the boxes. They started drinking and Jill, being a total lightweight, knocked out right after she finished the first glass, which took her about an hour. Max and Jack polished off the bottles and began their drunken antics. They went outside the large rustic cabin they were staying in, urinated in some snow, threw rocks at a frozen lake and did other things not particularly exciting. Periodically, they would come back into the warm cabin to sneak a few hurried shots of whatever the adults had left unguarded on the table.

As it grew later, Max began to fade and soon my friend Jack was left to his own devices. Somehow he ended up alone at his laptop inside a dark living room. So, like any boy his age would do in a similar situation, he started watching porn and touching himself while his family was all passed out in the various rooms. In any case, this guy wakes up the next morning, the laptop is closed and there is a blanket draped over him with his pajama bottoms still bunched up around his ankles. He hears the rustling of half the family that’s up having coffee and breakfast when he comes to.

Immediately, he opens the laptop and sees that no one bothered to turn off the site he was enjoying during his drunken antics. He pulls his pants up and tries to sneak past the revelry already starting in the kitchen to the safety of one of the bathrooms. As he’s sneaking past the open archway, one of his uncles calls out to him, “It’s a white Christmas, eh Jack?” Everyone laughed. Jack died a little inside and swore to never touch alcohol again.

Side Bar: The Real Life Adventures of Jack and Jill is an ongoing series of drunken and/or embarrassing stories published under the pseudonyms Jack & Jill to protect the anonymity of those that have experienced these hilariously tragic faux pas firsthand. Have an funny, drunk or embarrassing story you want to share but don’t want to put your name on? Submit to us and let Jack and Jill take the heat.

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