Good Sirs! It’s time of another edition of “All Things Manly”. Today’s topic is women. Now, this is a topic that we all have some idea about. We’re surrounded by them. We interact with them every day. Hell, you even came out of one. Yet, a lot of us still have trouble understanding them. Women are kind of like the Cleveland Browns not winning a Super Bowl since 1964. Even the people closest to them and their biggest fans can’t figure them out. But there’s good news! You don’t have to figure them out. All you have to do is follow a few easy steps that will make her happy. Because let’s face it, as long as she’s happy then everything else is easy peasy around the house.
I’m 33 years old and have been a single man all my life. I’m not proud of the fact, nor am I tooting my own horn by stating that I’ve probably dated more women than the average guy. But in those experiences, I started learning how to keep women happy. But you might be asking yourself why a single guy could give sound relationship advice when he has no long term relationship experience. Well, that attitude will get you nowhere in a hurry. It’s kind of like the really good marriage counselor who has been thrice divorced. But seriously, I’ve finally met the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. So what I have done is essentially compiled all my experiences and effectively learned from them in order to maintain her happiness. And it’s working! Guys, we’ve all heard about buying flowers and telling her how much you appreciate and love her. We get it. We understand. But the steps I’m going to provide you with are probably a bit unorthodox and there’s a distinct possibility that you may have never heard of them. Regardless, I can assure you they work not unlike the ’76 Steelers defense. A well oiled machine. Just give it a shot and see how it plays out. So let’s go over a few steps to keep the woman in your life happy.
Piss her off. Now I know what you’re thinking. How is pissing off my girlfriend/wife going to make her happy with me? You have much to learn grasshopper. Women are emotional creatures. I don’t need surveys or studies to support this fact. If you’re a man, then you understand this. Before we go any farther with this step, let me warn you that you need to heed my advice and do this very carefully. If not, it can blow up in your face just like the 2003 Detroit Tigers’ season. What you want to do is provide her with an avenue to vent her anger. But you don’t want to be the cause or have it directed at you. The point of this is to let her get her frustrations out while giving her support. After she’s done raising hell, she’ll be thankful that you were there to “really listen to me” and help her “deal with it”. There’s one topic that has turned into Old Faithful over the years. It’s the proverbial ace in the hole. Her workplace. But more importantly, the people she works with. All women hate their coworkers. It’s safe to say she probably loathes them. Now, there are probably one or two women she hangs out with at work that she gets along with. But she actually despises the vast majority and yet if you notice, she can’t stop talking about them. It’s simply because women love drama. I mean really love it. They’re drawn to it like Darryl Strawberry to a pile of coke. So we want to play this in our favor. We want to weave it into a conversation. A great subtle hint would be to ask, “Is Janet still acting like a huge bitch?” or “What did Jim do stupid today?” Then all you have to do is sit back and let her roll. She becomes angry and then vents it out. But you’re there to “listen” and may even be rewarded for doing so. Just experiment with it. You’ll find it really works.
Steal her car. Don’t even ask. Just take it out for a spin. The point being to make sure everything is working properly. Do this fairly often. Once a week maybe. Just to make sure the lights are working and there are no sounds coming from the engine that shouldn’t be there. Make sure it’s shifting correctly. Take it to get inspected if need be. Don’t let the tags run out and keep the oil and filters changed. Basically, treat her car the same way you treat yours. How many times have you heard your girl say something along the lines of “I don’t know why it won’t start” or “It’s making a funny sound”? Just take care of her vehicle. She’ll see that you’re investing your time and effort into making her feel safe and secure. If her car breaks down, drop what you’re doing and get there. Essentially save the day. She’ll see you as reliable and dependable.
Make her fat. Cook a couple meals a week for her. You don’t even have to be good. Play to your strengths. I can cook anything on a grill. But in the kitchen, I’m basically good for just breakfast foods. But guess what? My girl knows I’m going to cook breakfast Saturday and Sunday morning. And it’s not going to just be a bowl of cereal and toast. No sir, I’m cooking up deer sausage, a pound of bacon, 10 eggs with diced onion/garlic/cheese, everything bagels, toast with real butter and some strawberries. I might even try my hand at banana pancakes if I’m feeling wild. Then sit back and watch your delicate flower of a girl tear through that spread like bitch wolf in a chicken house. She’ll love you for it. She’ll see you as caring enough to feed her and nurture her and taking your time to make her happy. This especially works well if there are kids involved. She’ll notice you as caring for her/your offspring. Plus you get to eat like a champ.
Screw up. You’re not Superman. You’re not Superdad, Superhusband or Superboyfriend. So stop acting like it. You’re just a regular guy. If you’re like me, when it comes to relationships you’ve pictured yourself as some over the top hero that saves the day and never does anything wrong. I’ve tried to play that role. It might even go well for a while. But the problem is that it isn’t you. So what you’re essentially doing is leading her to believe that you will never screw up or make a bad decision. Just like Dale Earnhardt Jr., you can’t maintain that pace to the finish line. You’re setting yourself up for failure and putting yourself on a pedestal. It’s okay to forget to pay the cable bill on Tuesday. It’s okay to wait until the last minute for a birthday present. So what if you forgot to make dinner reservations. You’re just a guy. When you finally realize this and accept it, then I promise you’ll feel a huge weight off your shoulders. One thing I found difficult to do is learning to lean on my girl. No guy wants to have to do that. We want to give the impression that we can handle everything that comes our way. But sometimes, we do need help. I still struggle with this from time to time. But once I started making an effort to ask for help from my girl, I realized that not only would she help me, but she really likes it. It makes her feel wanted and needed. It can bring you together. She’ll see that she’s part of a team and that you’re both working together towards common goals.
Wake her up with loud noises on her day off. Gas up the lawnmower, engage the deck and drive that bastard full throttle right past the bedroom window. Sounds crazy I know. But what you’re doing is taking care of the grounds. Mow the yard and make it look good. Do the trim work and prune the trees. Clean the gutters and throw a coat of paint on something. Women love to have their home looking good on the outside. Because deep down inside, they really do care what other people think of them. They want to look good. Don’t ever let a woman tell you she doesn’t care how she looks or what people think. Women color their hair, paint their nails, whiten their teeth, put on make-up, wear high heels to push up their ass, tan, fake tan, get breast implants, nose jobs, face lifts etc… The same thing will go for their home. They believe that a well groomed home appearance will give the impression that all is well. Let her pick out the kitchen paint scheme. That’s alright because the yard is your kingdom. She’ll see you as taking time and effort to make sure the place looks neat and tidy. She’ll see that you care about appearances and taking care of your home. It reinforces the idea that you’re both on the same page. Also, women love mulch. They love the way it looks and the way it smells. I once walked into a bar (years ago) after spreading mulch and was attacked by a crowd of women. Luckily, I was able to fight them off using only a series of head butts. My wingman was not as fortunate. If I can ever figure out how to bottle that fragrance I’ll be set financially.
Drive like a lunatic. If you’re like me, then you tend to think of your girl while driving down the road. A song comes on and reminds you of her etc… Then you find yourself thinking about her and how much you care for her. You’ll start thinking about telling her how you heard “our song” on the radio and how much you love her and appreciate her when you get home. Bullshit! Drop what you’re doing and whip that car to the side of the road and call her right then and there. Tell her what you’re thinking and (dare I say it) what you’re feeling. Don’t wait till you see her again. Do it in the moment. It makes it real for her. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ended a business call by shouting out “I’ll call you back in a minute!” and then fishtailing to the side of the road to send her a text that I love her because I heard “500 Miles” by the Proclaimers. She’ll like the spontaneity and the fact that you’ll drop everything to tell her what she means to you. Also, that you think about her during the day when you’re apart. Women eat that stuff up.
So there are a few tips that I’ve learned over the years. I hope it gave you some ideas. It’s possible you’ve been doing these things all along and just didn’t realize it. But then you and your woman are probably happy together and therefore not reading this article. Guys, identify and learn from your experiences and your mistakes. Because if you don’t, you’re doomed to repeat them and you just might end up running off the girl you want to be with. There is no need to thank me. Gentlemen, you will be doing me, yourself, and your girl a favor by learning these steps and implementing them in your relationship. Go forth and be manly.