2. Buying something expensive or that I’ve really, really wanted has never brought me any real feelings of satisfaction or enjoyment for more than a few days.
3. If your house burns to the ground, or you think it has (It’s a long story), you’ll find out the things that you consider to be priceless have no technical value at all.
4. Being single and able to do whatever you want whenever you want is a million times better than suffering through a bad relationship because you’re scared of being alone.
5. Anything you want to do at 25, but think you’re too old to do, you’ll still want to do at 30 and 40, so just do it.
6. When a girl tells you she’s not interested, there is no changing her mind without becoming famous or mega-rich.
7. Something that is significantly more expensive than something else is rarely significantly better in terms of quality with the exception of a few things like jeans, whiskey, cigars, mac and cheese and bed sheets (Egyptian cotton 600 thread count minimum). In other words, name brands are rarely worth the cost.
8. If you want to do something out of anger or spite, sleep on it. If you’re still mad enough to do it the next day, do it, but you won’t be. Same goes for any pining/desperate text messages you want to send to an ex or someone you like.
9. Going out to dinner with a group of 8 or more people is pointless and a huge pain in the ass. One large group conversation cannot be maintained and you inevitably end up sitting next to someone extremely boring and uninteresting.
10. Being good friends with someone is far from a guarantee you’ll get along as roommates.
11. Sex gets better with intimacy, communication and trust. So, if everything else is clicking except that, give it some time. But if someone is in their mid-20s and isn’t even good at making out, just cut your losses.
12. Physical attraction alone is not enough to sustain a relationship, even if the person is, in the words of Derek Zoolander, “…Really, really, ridiculously good looking.”
13. When a girl tells you she has a friend who likes you or who is “nice,” that friend will never be good looking. That said, you should keep taking the risk and meet them anyway.
14. It’s very, very rare to meet a love interest who will like you for the exact reasons you want them to. If you meet someone who does, hold on to them.
15. I would rather date someone who’s a little bit racist than someone with a racial fetish for me. As for just hooking up? Well, that’s a different story.
16. Some friendships have more to do with proximity than a deep connection, but they can still be worthwhile.
17. A memory that will last a lifetime is more valuable than money in the bank. That said, and as I’m sure you can infer, I do not have an impressive stock portfolio, but I do have some awesome stories.
18. Bad, embarrassing or frustrating situations often become the best stories. As Woody Allen once said, “Tragedy plus time equals comedy.”
19. You’re much more likely to get a good job based on a personal connection than from your resume alone, so network, people, network.
20. People who brag the most have the lowest self-esteem.
21. When you leave a place, life goes on without you. Period. The end.
22. Sometimes you have to burn a bridge so you don’t go back across it.
23. If you don’t fail, then you aren’t trying hard enough, and if you fail all the time, then you aren’t trying hard enough.
24. Romantic rejection and getting dumped is a part of life. There’s a million little things that go into two people hitting it off and it working out. So, get over it; don’t take a rejection as a complete denunciation of your being, cowboy the fuck up and move on.
25. Always check for your cell phone, keys and wallet before getting out of a cab.
26. Never break up with someone thinking you’ll get back together with them later. That shit will NEVER happen.
27. Bacon does make everything better, but it wouldn’t suck if people talked about it less.
28. You’ll find a little bit of vanity in a partner is a desirable characteristic as you get older.
29. Never compare people’s suffering, but always try to keep yours in perspective.
30. You’ll never get something from a person or out of life you don’t ask for.
Sidebar: *31 You’ll never remember your best ideas if you don’t write them down. For example, this list should be five items longer, but I came up with more than a few life lessons while out at the bar and forgot what they were.