The other day I was in a conversation with someone who said something dumb, like objectively idiotic. But it was also harmless. Sadly, that didn’t stop it from annoying me way more than it should’ve. This made me start thinking about other things I irrationally hate more than I should and decided I would write them down in the hopes of it being cathartic or something. So here we go….
People who say any Ninja Turtle other than Donatello is their favorite
This was the conversation that started this whole thing. I mean, yeah, everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, but not their own facts. Donatello was objectively the brains of the whole operation: he invented the turtle mobile and figured out how the mutants were mutated. Top all this off with the fact he was also the best character to be in the video games because of his superior reach with his bo staff and we reach the inescapable conclusion that he is the best turtle.
The words tummy, yummy and nom-nom
I can deal with them if one of the people in the conversation is under the age of seven, but if it’s between two grown-ass adults, I think adult words should be used. Everyone should replace them immediately with stomach, delicious (or some other synonym) and ….well, honestly, Im not sure what the hell nom-nom is supposed to mean, which makes me hate it even more.
People who dress for the body they want and not the body they have
I’ve recently spent a good bit of time on some beaches in Europe. I know it’s a more open and free culture, but ain’t nobody trying to see a sixty-year-old obese woman in a string bikini or a man who could be mistaken for a beached whale in a speedo….Actually, no one is ever trying to see a man in a speedo. Sometimes I’m conflicted about all this because I want to say to them, “Good on you not giving into social and media pressures and definitions of what is and is not good looking, and for wearing what you want.” But on the other hand, I can’t because I can see them with my eyes.
People who use Facebook wrong
I guess this one could be an article all to itself, but there are a few things that get me more than most. Surprisingly enough, none of them are moms or, even worse, new moms (but they would both make a slightly longer article). If I were to name the single thing I consider the biggest abuse of Facebook, it’s people who make vague statements. Examples include: “Oh no, I can’t believe that just happened,” or “I got it :)” I don’t mind people sharing good, bad or even depressing news in what is essentially a public forum, but I do hate half-statements. I mean, seriously? What are they trying to accomplish by telling people something bad happened but then not telling what!? I guess this gets my goat so bad because I cared enough to read the half message but don’t care enough to ask or read the comments in the hopes they’ve decided to complete their thought. To people who share bad news this way, I hope some of your idiot friends click “like” the next time you announce the passing of a pet.
People who use utinsals to eat food meant to be eaten with hands
I don’t care how prim and proper someone wants to be or thinks doing this makes them look, the truth is eating a hot dog, taco or sandwich with utensils makes them look like a douche bag. I get it and appreciate it if someone hates the way eating with your hands looks. I personally hate the way it looks when people eat Indian food with their hands as is custom, but that’s because most Indian food isn’t designed for it. (Curry basically a God damn soup.) But if you don’t like eating with your hands, don’t eat foods designed to be eaten with your hands.
People who can’t handle their booze
Yeah, we’ve all been there before and over indulged, but there is a big difference between the guy who has a few too many from time to time and the guy who is always drunk, angry and/or making an ass of himself or the girl who is always crying, finding herself at the center of some drama or unable to walk after a couple of drinks but still does it week in and week out.
Instagram…OK, I don’t hate instagram.
Actually, I love instagram. It’s like Facebook for people who want to post a million pictures but are worried they’ll be defreinded for doing so. Meanwhile, people on instagram are all there for the same reason: to see pictures. It’s kind of like the way twitter is for people who are ADD about facebook statuses. But with instagram, people actually care what their friends are doing on it. The reason it’s on this list is because of the Kelvin feature. Seriously, has anyone ever used this? Who wants to make their pictures red. But still, my hate of it goes deeper than that. My hatred of it lies in the fact that I still feel the need to apply it just to see what a pic might look like in Kelvin. The answer is bad. The answer is always bad.
People who know more languages than me
This one is especially irrational since I really only know one language and a large number of people who know more than one also know English. These people are the reason I’ve been able to travel so much while remaining stubbornly American (aka only knowing one langue). But being insanely jealous is a part of being irrational and sometimes a big part of hate, no?
People who have nice cars that aren’t manuals
I didn’t learn to drive on a stick, but while I was in college, I took a valet job that paid a dollar more an hour for people who knew how. I felt like I understood the concept, so I did the obvious thing and lied to get the extra money. Lucky for me, the driveway of the hotel was down hill so I was able to fake it until I could learn it on the customers’ cars in the hotel’s parking garage and out of sight of everyone. (Never ever valet your car.) Anyway, once I learned, there was no going back. Nothing beats the feel of a powerful car under your control as you race through the gears.
People who only read listicals (Not you of course, you’re fine).
It’s not that I hate all these articles that only list off stuff, but their huge popularity really bothers me and a lot of other writers and bloggers I know. Many of us feel like it forces us to dumb down our writing by having to express ideas in bite-sized thoughts instead of better connecting them or even going deeper into them. So yeah, that I can get something like this published on a big website like Thought Catalog in a heartbeat, but when I offer them my much better written one on how Hillary could change what it means to be a good leader if she just fights the conventional wisdom of running for president by acting like a man and hear nothing back, I get annoyed.
People who incessantly take selfies
Actually, you know what? This might annoy me more than it should, but it’s not irrational. It’s indicative of the narcissist culture that has developed and in the Internet age and with Generation Me. I get it. I’ve traveled to a lot of amazing places and, of course, I want to be in some of my own picture sometimes simply for the life affirming proof that I was there. But the idea no picture is complete without your face being in a picture is something else altogether. I can’t help but to compare it to people who visit something like the Pyramids and think they need to write their name somewhere on this monumental feat of human achievement. You had nothing to do with it! They’re not about you! If you ever hear about me getting arrested while on vacation, it’ll likely be for shoving someone’s selfie stick up their ass.
There is also something to be said, that people can’t or won’t simply ask someone to take a picture of them. An antisocial behavior I also attribute to the Internet age.